Parents & Alcohol Drug Issues

Parent Enabling:Alcohol/Drugs

As a Certified Addiction Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor serving Montgomery County and the Philadelphia area, I work with many parents of teens and young adults. Most of these families are concerned about their child’s use of alcohol or drugs. In some cases these behaviors occur along with other mental heath issues like Anxiety, Depression, or ADHD.

According to Dr. Joel Young, “When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart”, when dealing with a young adult child with alcohol or drugs issues it’s not always easy to know the different between offering support in the spirit of compassion vs. enabling.

In my counseling office in Chestnut Hill, I hear a lot about the constant worrying as parents try and figure out how to help and not hinder more positive behavior. The anxiety can be relentless.

Although I’m not a huge fan of labeling behaviors as enabling I do think there is a middle ground where one can make better choices as far as what response works best for a given family. Dr. Young says:

When your child was born, you likely vowed that you’d do anything to keep him safe.  A parent’s deeply ingrained protective instincts can work against her when a child suffers from mental illness or substance abuse problems, and helping can easily cross the line into enabling.

Shades of Grey

There’s no one-shot test to determine whether you’re enabling your child, adding shades of gray to an already complicated relationship. But by becoming more mindful of your own behavior, you can slowly begin to discern the difference between helping and enabling.

What is Enabling?

Enabling is any behavior that makes it easier for your child to continue down a destructive path. Troubled children sometimes manipulate their parents’ emotions in a way that makes it easier for them to continue to spiral downward. Ultimately, enabling makes life worse for your child and for you, while helping offers the promise of real change and mutual respect.

There’s a fine line here. One of the best ways to make this distinction is to evaluate how you feel after taking a particular action. Do you feel used and taken advantage of? Are you frustrated and angered by your child’s behavior? Are you doing something out of obligation and emotion rather than because you’ve carefully thought through your course of action?

How to Tell the Difference

Sadly, the line between enabling and helping is a blurry one, and parent/child relationships are often complicated and highly emotional. It can often be difficult to logically examine your child’s behaviors and your responses to these behaviors. The key is to look at the big picture of your relationship with your child. Evaluate the progress he’s making toward a better life and consider whether your actions are helping or hindering.

Every parent who struggles with a teen or young adult child makes a few mistakes along the way, so there’s no need to beat yourself up if you find you’re engaged in enabling behavior. Instead, focus on learning from the past and consistently working toward a healthier, more balanced, and loving relationship with your child.

Deb’s Suggestions

If the above applies to you, please get help for yourself even if your teen or adult child is not ready to do so. You can access:

• Free self help groups like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon if your child is in an actual addiction. Online and live meetings are available across the US. Parent and family members who have “been there” share their “experience, strength and hope”.
• Parent support groups (also free) such as those hosted through Caron and open to any parent worried about a child’s addiction. Located across several states and growing. They often have professionals present at these meetings but the majority of the focus is on parents supporting other parents at whatever point they are in the recovery process. Check their website for locations.
• A newer support group (also free) for parents of teens with any type of mental health issue is held at the New Leaf Club in Rosemont on the Main Line.

These groups help parents feel less alone since it can feel so isolating when you are in this situation.  Although these parent groups are geared toward alcohol and substance use issues, many people who misuse alcohol or drugs may also struggle with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, disordered eating, ADD, trauma, etc.

CRAFT offers an approach that highlights that research consistently shows that motivational models of help work better than confrontational ones. Check out the CRAFT website for lots of good info and tools on parenting a teen or young adult with an alcohol, drug, or dual diagnosis issue.

Hope

There are many paths to change. It’s never a one size fits all scenario. Many times a variety of supports and strategies are necessary. Some roads are bumpier than others.

In my own counseling practice in Chestnut Hill and Lower Gwynedd, PA, I’ve learned that our helicopter generation of parents tries so hard to do the right thing. Caring and a positive connection are needed for the young person but parents also need support, tools, and guidance.

Take Action

Research demonstrates that a family members involvement in counseling, even if the family member with a potential substance use disorder is not yet ready to accept help, correlates with a higher success rate for both the person directly struggling with alcohol and/or drugs as well as the entire family system.

Yet so many parents put themselves last. They do not follow through on the help they need and deserve. These same parents would do back flips to help their child yet somehow following through with their own counseling, even though it’s recommended by the experts, is scary, perhaps because they fear being blamed. That’s not what happens.

Counseling can be helpful and empowering. A quality counseling process can assist you to build strength and restore the positive connections in your relationships and learn to better manage the anxiety and uncertainty once your child is on a road to “recovery” or is changing in a positive direction.

Therapists who specialize in counseling parents worried about substance use or addiction are available to consult with you and provide the support and direction you need.  If I’m not the right fit for you I can recommend Philadelphia and Montgomery County counselors, psychologists, and therapists who specialize in this area both for parents and the teen or young adult with an alcohol or drug problem or substance use disorder.

Don’t wait until it worsens. There is hope and help. Get it.

Deb Owens, LPC, CAADC counsels parents, adults, and couples in Chestnut Hill, PA and Spring House, PA near Lafayette Hill, Blue Bell, Fort Washington, and Huntingdon Valley, PA.

www.debowens.com

8612 Germantown Ave.

Chestnut Hill, PA 19118

908 Bethlehem Pike

Spring House, PA 19477

215-802-6521